I have a son, I love him very much and I support him in whatever he is doing. I've put myself on hold to be there for him. Very few times do I need someone, and when those times have come he was not there. He thinks that being verbally abusive (cruel to be kind) is acceptable treatment of me. He used to beat me up, and wonders why I'm afraid of him now. He married an exceptional women. There couldn't be a better wife for him. The relationship I have with them is terrifying. I help when I'm asked, I've gone to the food bank for them, loaned my car to them, they lived with me for free, I've driven to the apartment and picked him up for work and then gone to work myself. When my son was younger I paid his driving tickets, he wrecked my car and I had to get a new one, I paid for his girlfriend to get dolled up for the senior prom, he stole many things to get money for drugs. All this is in the past and it will never change and I think that its okay. I don't want money or acknowledgement. What I do want is pretty simple, not to be rejected. I'm not allowed to be involved in their lives with even a Christmas card. I send birthday cards whether they like it or not. Maybe, I ask to much. Maybe, I should be happy that they bother to call once a month and bore me with how bad life is for them. They make about 60 grand a year. I've never made over 20. His boss is to stupid to know how to make money. It's to difficult to file the state income tax, so he just lets the state keep the money. They never have any time for themselves. She doesn't work, he doesn't work weekends, he bought her professional camera equipment so she'd have something to do. Bitch, bitch, bitch. I am grateful they don't live in the same town as me.
I'm looking for a very simple thing: TRUE LOVE
So now I'll quit bitching and get back to looking..........
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Last day of the year and its definitely looking better. Need money to get surgery to treat my depression. Surgery, VNS (vegus nerve stimulation) therapy, virtually cures depression. Never to be sad again, its a dream. One day soon I'll be happy. What does the future hold? Job, money, partner..............
Sunday, December 24, 2006
This is a lonely day of the year. Tomorrow should be full of promises and surprises, and yet I face nothing. No tree, no presents, no family to share a cup of coffee with. I am an orphan. I suffer from chronic depression and no one seems to care. I'm not alone in this, so many people are dreading Christmas. I've lost faith in the people to celebrate a holy day with credit cards and unfulfilled expectations. What happened to Christ? Isn't this day for him?